As some of you may know I recently started a MOPS (Moms of Preschoolers) group here in Bangkok. I recently talked with them about having the courage to love our children. I wanted to share some of the things I shared with them.
What do you remember most about your childhood?
Are there any smells you can relate to your childhood?
Did you have gifts that make you feel special?
Was there something you always made together? Baking something or a craft?
Holidays or vacations you spent together?
A funny childhood memory?
What can you do to make your child feel special?
Just as we relied on our parents, our children rely on us. They learn to trust us as well as others because they learn they can rely on us. They can rely on us because they know we will always be there, and we will always be together-whether on vacation or during a holiday. Even the tough memories can shape our children and let them know we will always be there for them and love them.
So again, I will ask you: what can you do to make your child feel special?
Tell them you love them.
Hug and kiss them.
Teach them to not give up on their dreams.
It’s not difficult for us to make our child feel special. We just need to be intentional about it.
But let’s take it even a step further…how can we love our children extravagantly?
How can we love them without a restraint in spending our money or using our resources?
I’m not talking about loving them by spending money on them-I’m talking about loving them as if no amount or lack of money or resources would hinder our love for them. Love without limits. Love them in a way that exceeds what is reasonable or appropriate! We should love them in a way that they or we ever thought we could.
The Bible tells us how we can extravagantly love others, but it really applies to everyone’s life. First, let me say I am not perfect, and I do not do all of these. These are things I need to work on in my own life.
Love never gives up.
Do you give up on your child? Have you ever said something like, “Oh, that is just the way he is.” Accept your child for who he is, but don’t give up on him.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Do you care more about yourself? We should care for our child’s well-being before ourselves. Most of us have flown on an airplane before. When they are doing the safety instructions, and they say, “In case of an emergency, always put your mask on before putting the mask on your child.” I understand their point, but really? Who would really do this? Wouldn’t we all put our child’s mask on first?
Love isn’t jealous.
Do you compare yourself to other moms? Oh come on, who doesn’t? The thing about comparing yourself to others is that their situation is always different than yours. Their child is different than yours. And their past is different than yours. Don’t compare your parenting skills or what you can give to your child to what other moms do. Because if we give our children extravagant love, they will have all they will ever need!
Love doesn’t boast.
If we love our children extravagantly, we won’t need to brag about ourselves to make ourselves feel better. We will feel good about ourselves because we will know how much we can truly love our children.
Love doesn’t make others love them.
Do you try to force your love on your children? Do you try to earn their love? Do you do this by trying to buy them things? Know that this will never work!
Love doesn’t think of itself first.
Do you think of yourself first or your children first? Don’t get me wrong, we need to take time for ourselves and take care of ourselves, but if we are pouring into our children with this extravagant love I have been talking about, we won’t even have to feel guilty for taking time for ourselves because our children will know how much we love them.
Love doesn’t anger.
Are you easily angered at your children? Love is slow to anger and quick to understand.
Do you hold on to the bad things your children have done? Learn to let the past be in the past. Don’t hold on to the things your children have done in the past. It will not change what is happening now. It will probably end up making things worse.
Love speaks in truth.
Do you speak truth to your children in a loving way? Do you lie to your children? Our children will respect us when we have the hard conversations with them, even disciplining them as long as we do it in a loving way. Lying to your children will not help them. Again, it will only end up hurting them in the long run.
Love endures all things.
Do you deal with your children in love even when they do something you don’t like? Even when they break your favorite home decor? Love them even when it is hard. Even when it hurts.
Love trusts God.
The Bible says, love trusts in God because God is love.
Love always looks for the best.
Do you look for the best in your child? What are your child’s best qualities? List them. Now!
Love never looks to the past.
Do you hold on to the past with unforgiveness toward your children? If there is something you haven’t forgiven your child for, forgive them today and move forward. Holding onto past mistakes only causes a barrier in your relationships with your children.
So I was also a counselor in the States, so I want to share some practical ways to put extravagant love into everyday life.
First, instead of telling your child to leave you alone when you are busy or are in the middle of something, set up healthy breaks. For example, “I need to finish this one thing, and then I will help you.”
Tell your child, “You’re so…(fill in the blank with a positive word).” Be positive. Encourage them.
Allow your child to have feelings. If your child cries, even if you think it is silly, acknowledge the feeling. Don’t just tell them not to cry. Ask them why they are crying and how they are feeling. You can even show them faces if they can’t verbalize how they are feeling.
Encourage your child. “Way to go! You put both of your shoes on the right feet!”
Don’t compare them to their siblings or others. Every child learns at a different pace. Even if their sister did something sooner than them, it’s ok. They will eventually learn how to do it too!
Phrase things positively, instead of negatively. “I like it better when you do it this way.” as opposed to “You know better than that!”
Research shows that time-outs are more effective than spanking. Often the child is concerned with the spanking and not the reason for the spanking. Often with spankings, they are never told the reason they are getting a spanking. Research also shows that a 2-year-old will repeat a behavior within the same day 80% of the time, no matter what discipline is given. Children don’t “learn their lesson” with the first consequence, just as we often don’t.
Discipline should happen immediately. Threatening to take care of something “when daddy gets home” often proves ineffective because the child cannot connect the consequence with the behavior they just exhibited. Furthermore, why should your child have to suffer from anxiety all day for something that could be punished for and forgotten about immediately?
Be specific in your praise. Instead of saying, “Great job!” tell her specifically, “What a beautiful picture you have drawn! I love the colors of the flowers and the detail you put into that house.”
Finally, and most importantly I will leave you with this: keep calm. You are doing a great job! Remember to not be hard on yourself. Your child loves you and is never as hard on you as you are on yourself!